21 May 2007

Is there a Russian connection here?

Have you ever seen those cheap DVD movies with the totally messed up subtitles? I'm just wondering if those are common because I keep on running into them.

I never got to see Brokeback Mountain. The reason: incomprehensible subtitles. Banned in the theatres because it was not considered appropriate for the good, decent Hyderabad folks, a friend and I got the DVD and sat down to watch it when I saw that the English language movie had English subtitles. It was one of those cheap, pirated stuffs. I didn't mind, being fonder of words in its written form than the less substantious oral form. However, a few minutes into the movie, it was clear that whoever was responsible for those subtitles was on something while doing it. They were just the regular dialogues minus all the right and every form of grammar abuse thrown in. We tried to ignore the subtitles but it was impossible. We found our attention being constantly drawn to the incoherent subtitles so we gave up and ended up never even really understanding much of the little that we saw.

Well, some time ago, I was given this 6-movies-in-1 DVD collection of horror flicks. Now, I'm a horror movie lover, and I was just dying to see it. I sat down one night with a friend, we turned down the lights, armed ourselves with a full-night's supply of snacks and sat back to enjoy hours of non-stop fright.

Then it happened again.

One guy in the process of raping a young woman, swearing and cursing -
Subtitle: I don't do criminal law, I do civil law.

Girl: *screams and sobs gibberish*
Subtitle: Three family wake up tomorrow without a father.

Guy: Turn that bitch over!
Girl's subtitle: KGB?

Girl: Screaming and crying and wailing, let me go, help, oh god, somebody help, all that jazz.
Subtitle: The Russian letter for Z looks like a three.

Guy: Catch them fatass!
Subtitle: The have what relation.

Girl enters room, guy on phone -
Guy: Just a sec.
Subtitle: Sit wherever you want.

Guy: Where are you going baby?
Subtitle: Cuban sounds Russian.

Guy: You fucking bozo!
Subtitle: You fucked IBM.

Girl: I was looking for Sarah.
Subtitle: Typical Americans!

Girl: You got helicopters, you got men...
Subtitle: "Do Svidanya Asshole?" (yep, with the punctuations.)

Girl: No no, trust me!
Subtitle: Good morning!

Guy: Damn you almost killed me!
Subtitle: He knows of the Russian connection.

Guy: Hey, come back here you asshole!
Subtitle: Pig shit's going to hit the fan.

Guy: You want a piece of that?
Subtitle: Trailer over there is hauling hogs.

Woman: That officer is a racist son of a bitch!
Subtitle: Just fiddling with my joystick!

Non-scary movies. Scary subtitles. It was worse than Brokeback Mountain and even though it was a little disappointing, we couldn't help but roll around on the floor laughing. I somehow managed to scribble some down on paper. Very strong Russian 'connection' here. Kind of funny, there I was joking about the price of half-boiled Russian eggs and now this...

I don't know what went wrong here but whatever it was, it was colossal. If it was deliberately done, I would love to hang out with the guy who did it.


claytonia vices said...

"...didn't mind, being fonder of words in its written form than the less substantious oral form."

There wasn't much of the 'oral form' in Broke Back Mountain, anyway... I mean the dialogues were very few, before you start thinking something else! ;-)

Sundancer said...

I already thought of something else. Sorry Clay~ :D

(Should have put that last line way up on top before I read the rest of it)

Anonymous said...

Umm,you could've disabled 'Subtitles' on the player you're using to view the movie [provided you watched the movie on a comp,of course].

Sundancer said...

Nope anon, TV. But maybe I should try them on the comp..

mnowluck said...

U wud be lucky if they are from russia, but dear they are from Burma.

Pixie said...

I needed this laugh today!! Work kind of sucks!!!
I luaghed out real loud and people are wondering what's wrong with me!!
(P.S: Since I keep doing this, they kind of think i'm weird and crazy!!)

Sundancer said...

pixie - sorry work sucks, but it's good to know you're acting crazy. It's the people who never get crazy who are weird...so you're okay! :-)

Sundancer said...

mnow - you reckon it's possible that they'd still be fun even if they're from Burma?

illusionaire said...

hey, whats wrong with BB Mountain???? :)

Sundancer said...

Haven't seen enough of it to find out what's wrong, but apparantly, there IS something not quite right..

Anonymous said...

hi sundancer, u remind me of dose cheap martial-art flicks where da dubbed voices r totally out of sync wid da lip movements of da actors. dose movies always get me in splits... :-)

u shud try watchin dose pirated dvds on ur comp, u'l have an added option of turnin off da subtitles...

dere r a few pirated dvd stalls where u get copies as gud as da original ones, containing al da special stuff like director's commentary, deleted scenes and sometimes even soundtracks...

by da way wats ur favourite movie? mine's 'da world's fastest indian', i recommend evry1 to go chek it out, it stars anthony hopkins in a role unlike any oder he has acted in b4...

Roshan R said...

hilarious.. abs hilarious.. yes, that is the problem with badly subtitled movies.. try as u can, ur eyes will follow it even if ur ears are working!!!

Sundancer said...

anonymous - a little corny but I loved Forrest Gump. I think it's the only movie I can watch repeatedly. I saw Apocalypto recently and loved it.

I haven't seen World' fastest Indian, but I plan to. Any movie with Anthony Hopkins, I strongly believe, are all worth watching.

Sundancer said...

roshan - yeah, that was why I couldn't finish Brokeback Mountain. Ears heard but eyes followed :P

MockingBird said...

You also an Anthony Hopkins fan, Sundancer? Yeah, The World's Fastest Indian is a damn good movie. I strongly recommend it :)

Sundancer said...

Bird, I trust your judgment, will definitely try to watch it!~