21 March 2011

Dr Doom and Soccer and Life in General

"I'm afraid there's no hope. There's nothing that can be done. You'll have to start preparing yourself..." This is what my new oncologist told me on my first meeting with him 2 weeks ago.

After looking at all my test results and proclaiming "This is not good, this is not good at all" after looking at every sheet of paper, he told me that if this mass in my cervical region (called the pouch of Douglas) wasn't operable, there would be no hope for me.

"I'm sorry.." long dramatic pause, looking at me sympathetically. I think he half expected me to burst into tears but when he saw no tears forthcoming, he continued "I'm really very sorry."

We've been monitoring this lesion since we found out about it last year, and after a few failed tests we haven't been able to confirm if it is cancerous or just a harmless fibroid. All my previous doctors have been very positive since my nodes are all clear, and technically the melanoma would have to travel through my nodes before they can reach my abdominal area.

When I asked him why he was treating it like it was a confirmed case of metastasic melanoma when there's been no confirmative report, "It most likely is" he said. It was almost like he wanted it to be.

I was far from crying. Of course, it's scary to hear words like that, but I was too angry to focus too much on fear. How can anyone tell you that there is no hope? It is my choice, my decision to keep hoping or not to. No one should ever tell someone that there is no hope because hoping is a personal right, one that we can choose to cling to even on our death beds.

As I sat there, listening to all these dark predictions, all I could think of was how off everything seemed. "I feel like a million dollars, and yet this is what the doctor is telling me. How can I be dying when I feel so great?" It may sound a bit dense, but cancer or not, when you feel so healthy and ...alive, the thought of dying just can't really sink in. Even when this fancy doctor in this fancy hospital with all his fancy degrees tell you that there is no hope for you, your mind just refuses to believe the things you hear.

Anyway, Doctor Doom ordered a battery of tests and appointments with a radiologist (because he was positive I needed radiation therapy) and an oncological surgeon.

To cut a long story short, the senior surgeon was angry that a big deal was made out of something that was possibly nothing. He canceled all the tests that Doom ordered, and asked me to do another ultrasound guided FNAC (this is the only thing that's made me cry so far by the way, the pain is freaking intense).

I will get my test result on Friday. I feel very positive about everything. Hopefully, things will not be as bad as Doctor Doom predicted.

Well that's all on the dying side. On the living side, I am awesome! :) I signed up for one of the girls football team for the Google Football League. My team is called The Tribe, and guess who's captain? :) And it is only appropriate that a true tribal captains a team called The Tribe :P

That's me, #1, winning all the tosses for my team.

We've played two matches so far. Lost one 1-0, and I'll admit we were not very good losers. We sulked and remained dour-faced for the rest of the day.
A good lecture from our beloved coach -

And we won our second match 3-0!

Football is healthy. And I don't mean just physically. Believe me, when you're out on the ground engaged in full-out combat with your enemy, cancer is the last thing on your mind.

Love is also healthy :-)


Silenceofthedepth said...

Isn't this a lovely way of living and looking at the world? Even Doctor Doom cannot shake the hope and resilience of the human spirit like yours. May your tribe increase. And, win.
I shall pray for you (not that you would need them).

Anonymous said...

Hi Jerusha,

I hope things dont go babd as this Dr Doom 'want' it to be. Im keeping my fingers cross for you, and my prayers. . . I 've been a big follower of your blog since long. My best health wishes are with you.


Jerusha said...

Silenceofthedepth - thank you for the dropping in, and for the nice words. And please pray for me, you have no idea how much I need it!

Z - thank you! I'm actually quite pumped that my blog does have followers :) Here's hoping Dr Doom is wrong!

Anonymous said...

hey jerusha. always a treat to read your motivating and inspiring posts. i'm sure you'll get an all-clear result on friday. all the best

Alejendro said...

Hetiang hi a nia Hnam hming ti chhe tu chu... Public ah an in Exposed nasa ltk... khi khi.. a lang vek dawn a lawm.. zahpuiawm ltk...

Alejendro said...

:-P Khel thiam ve reng reng a mi a?

diary said...

It's really unprofessional of Dr Doom to be so negative. I hope he's wrong, and when you find out he is, make sure you go and tell him. Do keep us posted on the test result. And it's great to see you in shorts, playing ball, while we, the seemingly healthy, are sitting on our butts. Cheers!

Alejendro said...

Keep me posted 'bout the Results... remember you in my prayer :-)

Jerusha said...

John - thank you! I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

Alej - hahahah I style ka la lawm. You are my inspirtation! :P Ka thiam ltk, ka superstar tawps :P

Diary - haha the shorts are actually sort of against doctor's orders. I have to keep myself covered but since we usually only start playing after sundown I feel emboldened to slip into the freedom of shorts :)

ku2 said...

Everytime I read your blog I feel awed by your courage and your zest for life. Nie, tinge Dr. chuan hope awmlo a lo tihve rikngot, you can jolly well hope if you want to. Its sad that some doctors get so jaded with life and death that they lose all sensitivity.
You dont look like you're sick at all. You look like someone in the prime of her life. And keep hoping! I believe you can make it through.

caribou said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

''How can anyone tell you that there is no hope? It is my choice, my decision to keep hoping or not to. No one should ever tell someone that there is no hope because hoping is a personal right, one that we can choose to cling to even on our death beds....''' wow! sis if only yu could give me an iota of your strength and will power. You shall overcome this i can predict....Sando

caribou said...

I thuziak, a dark side lampang khi uluk takin ka chhiar a, i lo tuarchhel hle mai. Damlo te hmangaih tak takna nena enkawl thintu doctor te hi chuan thla an timuang a, an kuta min han khawih ringawt pawh hi a thlakhlelhawm fo thin. Damna kan duh a, taksa a na a, rilru pawh a chau zovin bei a dawng thin. Doctor thenkhat hi chu an tangkam ringawt pawh hi damna a tling an ti; rilru damna hian taksa damna a thlen ve fo thin si a. I doctor erawh khi chuan mi tam tak lunghnual rawihna tur a thlensak fo ka ring thin.

I blog atang hian tawrhna phena hlimna thuruk te, tawrhchhelna te, thufing tak tak tam tak inphumru hi ka hmu fo thin.

In inkhel khi a hmuhnawm dawn khi le. No 1 khian Zoram ai a awh zawh hmel khawp mai. Tin, in coach khian inkhelh aiin thusawi lam a thiam hmel....

I dam that thuai thuai theih nan ka duhsakna sang ber ka hlan a che.

"Love is healthy".. Hei hi a va han dik chiangkuang tak em.

Macabreday said...

wish i had a positive attitude like yours.... thats exactly whats gonna get you through..cheers...

Jerusha said...

Ku - thanks! As for courage, I think sometimes I do a bad job of projecting myself because I do get scared a lot. Dr Doom got told off by the surgeon for his gloomy prohecies so I hope he'll be a bit more positive with his other patients now :)

Sando - A lot of my positivity comes from you guys! Thank you!

Jerusha said...

Caribou - A chhiartu in I zir avangin thil tha I hmu anih chu kei a thil ziah ve ah hian. Tuarchhel, finna etc - kan hmuh duh chuan kan hmu a, kan hmuh loh tlat chuan a awm reng pawhin kan hmu lo ni berin ka hria. Pathian in min pek tawrhchhelna te hi mihring lam hian kan lo up bet thei khawpin ka hria. Kan inkhel pawh kan tluang tha khawp e :)

Mac - Thank you. People like you seeing strength/positivity in me is what actually gives me strength because I do feel very "unpositive" a lot of times

MRalte said...

Dr. in hope om lo tihna chhan chu a han en khan a hope lo aniang. Anih loh pawn nangmah khan i hope ang a, ani pa lo ni toh bawk si khan hope om lo a ti anga i hrethiam lo mai mai aniang. I na ni lovin nangmah kha a hope lo che lom!! Dr. dem chi naang mihring famkim lo, natna vanga thi ve mai tur tho an ni