It's 6:40 am, and I've been up since 5 - reading, writing, praying a little (or at least trying to). It's ironic that throughout the week, I have to struggle to get out of bed when my alarm goes off at 7:30. And long for the weekend to come just so I can indulge in the languoruous luxury of sleeping in late. But here I am - awake and already bored. And it's not even 7 yet.
I woke up and before I was fully awake, a thought entered my head. Why do I wake up each day? What is the purpose of my life? It can't be just about work and fun and shopping. There has to be something else. And like any normal human being, I yearn to make my life mean something, that what I do or don't do can someday make a difference to other people. But wanting to be good doesn't mean being good. And this is what I think of when I wake up every day - is it enough to be happy? Why do I feel like I'm not doing what I should be doing - that I am an underperformer in life?
I work my ass off. I love, and revel in being loved. I laugh and cry - but what does it matter that I laugh harder than anyone else? What difference does it make if I have more fun in my life than the average person? I never feel it's enough. That doesn't make me this something that I feel I have to be.
Will God look at me and think what a waste of time it was that He created me and that He loved me and guided me and that I turned out like this? Will He suddenly decide to take my life away because He thinks it's wasted? I sometimes feel like I'm still living - but on a trial basis. "Okay, here's giving Jerusha some more chance to get her act together. Let's see if she'll ever live up to the reason why I created her." And if I don't prove myself worthy of this life I've been given, what then? Is that when God usually decides to rid the world of useless human beings?
I met a man last night, some fancy business man. We struck up a conversation and I still can't get over it. To keep it simple, he was talking about the purpose of his one day trip to India - some high level business deal. I joked that one day I would like to be invisible and sit in on one of these meetings where they talk about 'billions' of dollars, just to see how different it is from the meetings that I know. He said "It's not about the billions. In the end, there's only one question - are you happy?"
If being happy is all it takes to live a meaningful life, then my life is pretty meaningful. But I'm still pretty sure it's not just about happiness.