04 April 2009

Sober thoughts

It's 6:40 am, and I've been up since 5 - reading, writing, praying a little (or at least trying to). It's ironic that throughout the week, I have to struggle to get out of bed when my alarm goes off at 7:30. And long for the weekend to come just so I can indulge in the languoruous luxury of sleeping in late. But here I am - awake and already bored. And it's not even 7 yet.

I woke up and before I was fully awake, a thought entered my head. Why do I wake up each day? What is the purpose of my life? It can't be just about work and fun and shopping. There has to be something else. And like any normal human being, I yearn to make my life mean something, that what I do or don't do can someday make a difference to other people. But wanting to be good doesn't mean being good. And this is what I think of when I wake up every day - is it enough to be happy? Why do I feel like I'm not doing what I should be doing - that I am an underperformer in life?

I work my ass off. I love, and revel in being loved. I laugh and cry - but what does it matter that I laugh harder than anyone else? What difference does it make if I have more fun in my life than the average person? I never feel it's enough. That doesn't make me this something that I feel I have to be.

Will God look at me and think what a waste of time it was that He created me and that He loved me and guided me and that I turned out like this? Will He suddenly decide to take my life away because He thinks it's wasted? I sometimes feel like I'm still living - but on a trial basis. "Okay, here's giving Jerusha some more chance to get her act together. Let's see if she'll ever live up to the reason why I created her." And if I don't prove myself worthy of this life I've been given, what then? Is that when God usually decides to rid the world of useless human beings?

I met a man last night, some fancy business man. We struck up a conversation and I still can't get over it. To keep it simple, he was talking about the purpose of his one day trip to India - some high level business deal. I joked that one day I would like to be invisible and sit in on one of these meetings where they talk about 'billions' of dollars, just to see how different it is from the meetings that I know. He said "It's not about the billions. In the end, there's only one question - are you happy?"

If being happy is all it takes to live a meaningful life, then my life is pretty meaningful. But I'm still pretty sure it's not just about happiness.

8 comments:

Evangeline said...

Va depressed hmel ve a. About God,I have always felt that we are trying to understand a being so huge with this small limited mind that we have, so i think its possible we misunderstand him and the limits of his love. Life might be a journey but if u live u'r life harming no-one, living a fulfilled, productive life is what i think he would want us to do. You are happy, that is one of the greatest thing anyone can achieve because as humans, i think its almost natural to be unhappy messes no matter what we have or do. But u have managed to be happy, do good work and have tons of people you love and who love you. I think you should be very proud of u'rself and not feel so bad for the life u have carved out for u'rself.

mesjay said...

Sobering thoughts indeed. Just remembered a cathecism we learnt in school-Q: Why did God create man? A: To love Him, to serve Him and to enjoy Him forever. God does want us to be happy but life sure isn't all about happiness.

mnowluck said...

who's that the not so ugly guy on your profile? :P


Been to arirang city eh?

Sekibuhchhuak said...

Hotunu, mesjay comment khi ka Amen e !

Tin, khawi atangin nge kan happiness kan hmuh ? tih pawh hi zawhna pawimawh tak ani. Lalpan malsawm che rawh se.

claytonia vices said...

Maybe you are talking about filling a spiritual void...

Usually the definition of the word 'happy' varies from person to person. For some it might be that timeless calm within (not the ecstatic 'Yooohoo!' kind of happiness). Maybe that is what the businessman was referring to... that inner peace...

virgochhas said...

i believe God allows us to be happy and sad at times...i think what He want most is for us to remember Him at all times...happy or sad...

i recommend u read Dr. Warren's "The Purpose driven life" :)

Jerusha said...

Eva - I know! That's exactly what I feel. I think we ere taught to think in certain ways and believe certain things, but because our small minds are not enough to understand the fullness of what God is, we were probably wrong in many places. I'm not depressed or sad, just restless. I feel like I need to do something with my lfe but I don't know what.

mes & Seki - thanks for your wonderful words. And you;re right, life cannot be all about happiness when what causes your happiness has nothing to do with God.

Jerusha said...

mnow - He's Pete - good friend, not boyfriend like you think :P

Clay - It's a void, but I'm not sure if it's spiritual or not. But it certainly is a void for sure.

Virgo - That is something I can still say yes even as a sinner. If I didn't remember God so much I think I may not worry so much about bettering myself. But then, what do I know!