Ever since I found out about my cancers, my thoughts keep going back to this conversation I had with a friend sometime back. She asked me if I've ever felt like I wanted to die. That there are times when things get so bad she'd want to die and that she believes all humans go through certain phases in their lives when things are just so bad they want to die.
I told her honestly that I've never in my life wanted to die. Even when life sucks BAD and I'm hurting so much I'd rather sleep on the bare floor rather than on my own bed. I love living, I love being alive, I love my life. And even when things get really really really bad, even to the extent that I think it might be better to have never been born at all, I've never wanted to die. Because of the fact that I love this life I have now and also partly because death sounds so...lonely. And also because dying is scary as shit.
There are moments when these flashes of anger come and assail me. Why? Why is it that this is happening to me - me who have always cherished and loved life and have always been grateful to be alive and have never ever wanted to die? And these people who hate life and living and long for death are cancer free? I think it's a little like this baby thing :) Some women would give anything to have babies but they can't, then some women who don't want babies get pregnant at the drop of a hat, only to abort them or give birth to perfectly beautiful babies who they'll probably ignore or give away.
But that's how life is. It's not like only people who want to die die. I know people who love life as much as I do die everyday. And I guess in the end it's sort of good that this is happening to me because I want to live and I have the will to fight this with everything I have. I won't have the will if I was so keen on dying would I?
And you know...even being a sinner has it's plus points :) It makes you meek and humble before God and you know you can't complain. I know I'm in no position to complain so I'm not and it makes taking this gracefully (if you can call it that) easier. I want to take this as graciously as I took my promotions or my free international trips. There's nothing that I don't deserve - the good, the bad, and even the ugly...cancer.