30 September 2010

Cancer makes you think of dying

Ever since I found out about my cancers, my thoughts keep going back to this conversation I had with a friend sometime back. She asked me if I've ever felt like I wanted to die. That there are times when things get so bad she'd want to die and that she believes all humans go through certain phases in their lives when things are just so bad they want to die.

I told her honestly that I've never in my life wanted to die. Even when life sucks BAD and I'm hurting so much I'd rather sleep on the bare floor rather than on my own bed. I love living, I love being alive, I love my life. And even when things get really really really bad, even to the extent that I think it might be better to have never been born at all, I've never wanted to die. Because of the fact that I love this life I have now and also partly because death sounds so...lonely. And also because dying is scary as shit.

There are moments when these flashes of anger come and assail me. Why? Why is it that this is happening to me - me who have always cherished and loved life and have always been grateful to be alive and have never ever wanted to die? And these people who hate life and living and long for death are cancer free? I think it's a little like this baby thing :) Some women would give anything to have babies but they can't, then some women who don't want babies get pregnant at the drop of a hat, only to abort them or give birth to perfectly beautiful babies who they'll probably ignore or give away.

But that's how life is. It's not like only people who want to die die. I know people who love life as much as I do die everyday. And I guess in the end it's sort of good that this is happening to me because I want to live and I have the will to fight this with everything I have. I won't have the will if I was so keen on dying would I?

And you know...even being a sinner has it's plus points :) It makes you meek and humble before God and you know you can't complain. I know I'm in no position to complain so I'm not and it makes taking this gracefully (if you can call it that) easier. I want to take this as graciously as I took my promotions or my free international trips. There's nothing that I don't deserve - the good, the bad, and even the ugly...cancer.

33 comments:

ku2 said...

More power to ya, woman! The first thing i thought when I heard about your cancer thingy was "But she's so alive!" :D And thats why you're gonna be (and are) an amazing lil fighter.

I've always loved the way you look at things, you make me nostalgic for home even when I AM home,and that makes me look at things differently, more reverently. Thats what your writing and your worldview has done. so you go out there and fight this collective battle for us. If anyone can, its you. Godbless.

Jerusha said...

Ku - I'll mess everything if I say too much so I'll just say thank you. Your words give me strength.

Mama said...

You deserve praises. Though I dont know you personally, I appreciate how you feel when you are in a critical situation. I am sure that the more we are in trouble, the more our God is near. He said, 'be of good cheers'.
I will be in he Operation Theater on 2.10.10, I wish to be there with he feeling like you have. Get well and be strong

Jerusha said...

Mama - thanks! I have to say though that when this is what you have on your plate, we just sort of accept it or try to at least and it's not just me, I think almost everyone would face this the same way. Good luck with your op! If all goes well, we'll be undergoing surgery at the same time :)

Pointblank said...

You are a brave girl! And I like ur attitude.. Therez nthg that prayers and positive mind can't solve!!! :) Good luck lady:)

Mos-a said...

I'll just leave this anecdote about what tennis great Arthur Ashe said when he was diagnosed with AIDS (which he contracted via a blood transfusion)

... You know what he said when someone asked him ‘Why does God
have to select you for such a bad disease?’”

“What?”

“Arthur Ashe said: ‘In the world over — 50,000,000 children start playing tennis, 5,000,000 learn to play tennis, 500,000 learn professional tennis, 50,000 come to the circuit, 5,000 reach the Grand Slam, 50 reach Wimbledon, 4 to the semifinals, 2 to the finals.

When I was holding a cup, I never asked God 'Why me?' And today in pain I should not be asking God, 'Why me?’’”


I know you'll be back in the front row at the next big concert in Bangalore screaming your lungs out like you did when Aerosmith were in town! :)

dr_feelgood said...

I'll be praying for you tonight.

Cecilia said...

Your words were all I needed, the words of an everyday fighter. Be strong, god bless you.

Anonymous said...

You've been in my prayers. I guess extraordinary things happen to truly extraordinary people. I know you have the will power to withstand most anything.And if there's anything I can do, please let me know....Doris

Anonymous said...

am sure you will be alright, you'll survive and fight off cancer, my prayers are with you. I dont know you but i am a regular reader of your blog.

Take care.
Z

Anonymous said...

am sure you will be alright, you'll survive and fight off cancer, my prayers are with you. I dont know you but i am a regular reader of your blog.

Take care.
Z

Lucy In The Sky said...

Aww..Jeru. Ka lo va'n hre tlai ve. Fight char2 rawh aw. Kan lo trawngtai pui ang che.

Kei pawh ka hnute ah hian 2002 vel atrang khan lump a awm a, ka va in entir, mahse doctor in "benign "pangngai a nih hi, mahse kan zai tho dawn nia" a tia. Mahse ka zai tir ta lo. Chuan kum 2 vel kal ta atrang khan lump chu a te tial tial a tunah chuan a awm tawh lo deuh thaw. FNAC kha an ti ve a a na rem rem khawp mai.

Lo tang fan fan rawh.

illusionaire said...

Hugz sweetie. I've always loved the way you look at life, and will always do so. You have the power and energy to face anything that will come your way, and we are always there for you. While everybody's passed out, you had the energy to decorate me with makeup and even change my clothes, click photos and post them online. Anybody with the energy to do that need not fear anything in life :) hugz again sweetie.

Anonymous said...

I rilru nawm na tur in engmah sawi thiam ka nei lo,i rilru nat dan tur poh ka hriathiampui lem lo che,mahse Lalpan awmpui zel che rawh se .

dean said...

I don't pray much but for you I'm gonna ... you're too special and I mean that wholeheartedly. Your strength and goodness that can be felt from all of your blogs are awe inspiring especially for a weakling like myself.. To be honest with you I fear death so so much and the very thought of it makes me claustrophobic.. and like you have never had the 'I'd rather be dead' kind of attitude even in the worst of circumstances.. but you see what makes us different is your ability to stay strong and fight the fight which I am ashamed to admit I would not have been able to do... *hugs* *hugs* *hugs*

Alejendro said...

I'm sorry.. get well soon... Eva a la awm em? Ka va rawn zin ve chak ve.... phur thut chuan Diwali ah ka rawn zin maithei..

Anonymous said...

Get well soon Jerusha(Maimawm)... you dont know me but i've watched your videos and read your blog and i know that you are such a lively person, i cant help but laugh when i hear you laughs.

In thiannu 'interneid tui thar' video khan min ti nui nasa lutuk. lo dam thuai thaui rawh, ka lo tawngtaipui ang che.
Madina

Anonymous said...

ka lo hre re2 hleinem. So. sorry to hear that. Mahse nang chu i STRONG/LIVELY a, rilru tih hnual nan i hmang dawn lo hrim2 tih ka chiang! Hosp-a i luh hunah i la vanneih zia i hre chhuak uarh uarh mai ang.

Do get well soon masterji, we pray for you!

- wonderboy

keimah said...

Jerusha, you're gonna beat this thing! You have it in you to win! Have faith in God...and in yourself! With so many of your friends fighting alongside with you with prayers, miracles will happen! I too will be praying for you. God bless.

caribou said...

Mangan tawpa min tanpuitu chu Lalpa kan Pathian hi a ni a. Ani chuan min phatsan ve ngai lo. I harsatna te, i hrehawm tawrhna te, i natna tawrh te a hmu reng. Ama hnen ah taksa damna a awm a, thlarau damna pawh ama ta a ni. Lalpa'n awmpui zel che rawh se.

Diddley said...

I've been so out of touch and i hope u still remember me coz i do, just read your post and i am so sorry.... Two months back i had thyroid and alot of ppl were telling me i'd have to undergo an operation as most people suffering from thyroid did, some people even told me that once u have thyroid its there all ya life long but sumwhere within me there was this lil voice that said anything is possible with Christ, MOnday i took my unsual thyroid test again for this month only to find out dat i no longer suffer from any form of thyroid illness. I know what i am sharing is nothing compared to what u are going through but I hope it inspires you to have FAITH and MOre FAITH, that ANything is POssible with GOD, Nothing Is greater than him, not even cancer. Prepare on getting well, Miracles still do happen till this day.My prayers with you.

blackestred said...

You are strong and I know that you WILL win this fight. We will definitely remember you in our prayers. There definitely is Power in Prayer. God bless.

Jerusha said...

Thanks everyone! I can't explain how much your words lift my spirits and make me believe I'm going to be well.

Anonymous said...

Hey Jeru, just heard about it from zorin and she told me to read your blog....i know i dont get the chance to read your blog as often as i want, will remember you in my prayers and live life as you have always done....happy and carefree and enjoy every minute of it. You are strong Girl and you will fight this ..... Tei

Heal the world with music said...

UR A BIG INSPERATION!

follow my blog !

BULLET said...

THIS IS GREAT

BULLET said...

ESHGIKESJIJRI G IEHFIE

Anonymous said...

Hmana ka thiannu thin Jerusha Chaltlang kha ni ngem le o...ka khongaih hle mai che mase engkim tithei tu Pathian i neih kha i hre reng dawn nia.

Jerusha said...

Thanks Te! Ka tha lutuk. Nang I dam maw?

Anonymous - I thiannu thin chu ka nih ngei hmel. Tunge I nih ber le ka van hre chak..

Anonymous said...

Atea la hria ngem o...duat :)

Jerusha said...

Anonymous - hria e..nangmah kha em ni? Bawih :)

Anonymous said...

Haha..ni maithei ni, fb i id min lo hrilh..???

Jerusha said...

Jerusha Hmar tihin ka awm FB lamah chuan