12 April 2010

Home or away?

Here I am back from three blissful weeks at home. And right now all I want is to be back in Aizawl with my family. I miss the utter peacefulness of falling asleep next to my mother (yes, I confess I still sleep with my mom when I can). Seeing baby Jonathan's beautiful smile first thing in the morning, the perfect satisfaction of holding his little body close and taking in his baby smell. The never-ending talk and laughter with my sisters. The warmth of sitting around with friends and neighbors, drinking tea, watching LPS Muay Thai competition on TV...

There is nothing, absolutely nothing in this world that makes life more worth living than these!

Yet, despite all of these, something in me always wants to get out when I'm there. There's something there that makes me feel oppressed and 'chained up'. Maybe because there are no challenges that excite me, and I feel like the rest of the world closes up when I'm there and if I stay, I would be subjecting myself to a life of living out the rest of my existence in a tiny box where I can't breathe.

And there are little things I hate. Like how if straight hair is in, it just is not acceptable to have hair that blasphemously dares to curl in a messy mop around one's head even if that was the way God made your hair.

And how well you dress matters way too much, and how people judge you continuously on unimportant things - like how you wear your hair and what clothes you wear.

Or how that girl you grew up with who doesn't work who is married to someone who doesn't work who she have two kids with (who obviously don't work) is constantly being compared with you and she is always the bigger achiever because she is now married and have kids while you are disappointingly still childless and without a marriage certificate.

Or how they don't understand at all if your priorities are different from the priorities of the general population and dear daughter, neighbor girl, distant relative - listen to us! You must bend and change your ways and stay home like a good girl and get married and have kids whose education you'll never be able to afford because you don't know the right people and because you don't have relatives in high places, all the work you'll most likely get is in a private school where you'll earn Rs 3500 a month teaching kids that this is Cat, that is a mat, the cat sat on a mat, it is a fat cat, this is a bag, these are bags, the bag is on the table, there are Kuhvas inside the bag, there is a box of Khaini near the bag...

And I feel cursed and wretched because I can't stay there but everything I love and hold dear and close to my heart all belong there...

And you know how they always tell you how homesickness and the constant missing gets better with time? Well, that's a damned lie! I've lived away from home for more than ten years now, and there is not a single time that I don't shed a tear when I have to leave.

So I'm stuck here, unsure what to do, where to live. If only I had a private jet! That might make things easier...

24 comments:

feddabonn said...

pretty damn well said girl!

gigi said...

Jeru,

I cant agree more with this post. I grew up in the North-East and I feel so many of the same feelings you do. I love how I can feel almost child-like once I am there, the natural beauty everything. Most of all I agree with what you said about being away from family. I have lived away from them for 14 years... and nothing changes!

Much Love,
Gigi

Zaia said...

Hmm, mipa mah ni ila, i mittui tla chu hmu ila ka tahpui hial ang che. Nu leh pa, chhung leh khatte ngaih hi chu a na a lawm. Mahse, hetianga hmun danga hna ropui tak, Zoram tan pawha chhuanawm tham in thawk hi a lawmawm a, awmhmunah, nangni avang hian Mizo nih hi nuam kan lo ti ve em em thin. Khawharna leh lunglenna in tawrh hram hramna hian Mizo tam tak rilruah Mizo nih avanga inchhuanna tur min siamsak a ni.

Harsatna hi nawmsakna nawmzia min hriattirtu a ni a, hrehawmna hi muanna min thlakhlelhtirtu a ni a, lunglenna leh khawharna hian chhungte hlutzia min hriattir a ni. Hmun dangah awm vang vang lo ta la, i chhungte bulah ni tin zan tin hun hmang ta la, an hlutzia leh an bula awm thlakhlelhawmzia i hre kher lo maithei a, hetiang thu hi kan chhiar kher lo maithei.

Tukin, ka thlen ve leh ka chhiar chhuak parh.

ku2 said...

LIKE! I confess that I'm a total hillbilly, who gets lost, literally n figuratively, in the big cities.But I agree, you can get very claustrophobic here, where u r judged constantly on the choices u make, and where the only lucrative jobs seem to be govt jobs,and where evryone assumes the right to question u on ur marital prospects, and, if ure married, why aren't u pregnant yet??? I have noticed that many homesick people come back, only to become sick of home a few weeks later :D

Zaia said...

'Ka thlen ve leh' = office. :D

Jerusha said...

fedd - Glad to see you share the sentiment :)

Gigi - Is that you? :) I hope you're doing well out there. Don't let those nasties get you!

Lucy In The Sky said...

I know where you are coming from.
It's like the sky curved on the horizon and in a month or less I'd start feeling numb.

Last time I went home, I found people very insensitive about commenting things about you. I wondered if they were always like that (including me) or if they have changed in the 11 years that I've been away.

blackestred said...

Welcome back.. I guess you made "the most" out of your trip.. :P And I do agree that there may be "no challenges that excite me" back home, but it's nice to slow down once in a while. But you get bored if you stay too long, yet you miss it as soon as you leave the place. I guess it's a dilemma most out-station employees face, we can't live with it, yet can't live without it.

Jerusha said...

Zaia - ropui lamah chuan engmah ropui chu a awm lo a, mahse ka tan chuan ka tet te atanga a ka ngaih pawimawh ve mahni a inchawm thei a awmtheihna anih avang in ka tan chuan ka ngaihlu ve hrim hrim a.

Chhungkaw in ngaih pawh I sawi hi a dik chiah. In a awm reng chuan in ngaih lohna te hi awm hma, in hnial na neuh neuh nen, kan in ning hlur mai ang tih te pawh hlauhawm thei :) Tihian distance atang hi chuan kan in ngai in kan in hmangaih em em mai ani :DD


Ku - ooh those marriage questions1 I dread them so much now these days it takes away a bit of the enthusiasm and excitement of going home.

Jerusha said...

Lucy - Exactly! I always find people so insensitive about what they say, and how they only seem to want to tell you about negative things. Like if they think you've gained weight, they will say that before even saying 'hello' but if they think you look thin, they keep mum, and the nicer ones maybe tell you next year or after you've gained some weight "Oh you've gained some weight again. What happened, you looked so great when you came home last!" - but when I was home last, they never told me they thought I looked great..

you know - trivial issues but still. And just like you, I kept wondering if this is how it's always been or I've just changed :((

Jerusha said...

Black - I think if you want to be a good for nothing loafer, Mizoram is gthe best place for it :)

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illusionaire said...

hehehe you had your fun. Now it's my turn. Am leaving for home tomorrow. Woohoooooo! :D

Almost Unreal said...

ka haw hi chuan kei poh ka nu te bul hi nia ka la mut..lol

azl han om hi chuan an ngaihom thrin...a peaceful bik ngoih2 thrin

Or how that girl you grew up with who doesn't work who is married to ..lolzzz..got ur point..lolz

fashion is high out there but they look like trash - overdoing it

Alejendro said...

Darn, I haven't see Aizawl in 5 darn years... :-( I miss it.... miss everything 'bout Aizawl, everything 'bout Mizoram... :-( I dreamed of going back this year, but it's not possible 'cause I've to leave India... Jeru, if you ever go back to Aizawl, tell her that I miss her, tell her that I think about her every single night and day, though I maybe far away.... Tell her that I'll be back for her one day....

I think they should stop this. They should stop making jokes about a lady who prefer to stay single, and support herself. Jeru, heads up to you, continue what you are doing, shut your ear deaf to everything that they've said about you. They don't know what's your heart's desire, don't let them decide......

mangbuhril said...

well written,straight to the point.
Esp. in a mizo society, once when we start to cross 30s, those questions people ask with impunity
"when r u getting married?" are dreaded by all. Either one grows a thicker skin and get used to it OR avoid going home altogether (not the best of options) OR get married.. ha ha. Besides, i don't see the attitudes in our society is gonna change soon.

Anonymous said...

Jeru lo haw chu naupang ho-in an zong luih2 zel mawle an zui dul dul zel..theihmu te a lawh pui thul

btw bozo hi kan talh mai don..wat say yu... (sando)

Jerusha said...

Kimkims - I va haw timing lo ve! Tunah sarzuk leh khanghu a awm tawh lo :P

Unaunu - tun trum chuh, mithmul lem an lo uar hle. Leh jeans kekorbul, pawp nasa deuh, a hnuai a spandex dum hak an uar ltk a, thianzaho 3 kawng a rawn kal chutiang vek ha chu an tam ropui. Uniform ang deuh roh ania, I han haw hun chu I han tih ve ngei a ngai ang hahahah

Jerusha said...

Alej - 5 years is a really long time. No matter where I am in the world, I don't think there is no way I can go 5 years without seeing Mizoram :) Engtin nge I theih zawk a, nang mi lungleng romantic khat tlat khan? haha

Mang - I know what you mean. I disappoint myself for never learning how to get used to it, but you're right I don't think the attitude is going to change any time soonn :(


Sando - A teuh lo mai! Khawvel a ui fel leh zaidam ber anih kha :)

mesjay said...

Yeah, it's really tough. You can't stay and you can't really leave. You've expressed it so well.

But you're slightly better off than me--your 'home' has a concrete geography. I'm permanently homesick but have no clue where home is. Maybe up there only...

zonu said...

Nangmah ang hi an tam tawh a,an tam telh telh dawn lehnghal.To all you girls,its ok.Live the dream.

aduhi said...

ahhh what a coincidence, or should I say "Great minds think alike"? I came back from a three week vacay and was planning to write about here and there, esp there, the claustrophobia, the clothes, the unmarriedness, the kuhvas and the khainis, the teaching at private schools, but I see you've already said everything I wanted to say. So let me just say "Ditto" to everything.

Jerusha said...

mes - "I'm permanently homesick but have no clue where home is." - I'm getting there I think..I'm desperately trying to "solidify" home more so I will never run out of things/people to keep going home to.

Zonu - nia kan buai huai huai mai anih hi. Mahni chauh nih loh hian tlemin rilru chu a tinuam ve deuh :)

Aduh - hehe Aizawl tranga rawn haw thla leh ho chu a nawmna lam tih loh ah chuan kan phun nasa hlawm hle mai haha Kima pawh a phun ve bui bui kha

Mos-a said...

When Arsenal Football Club play a game in their stadium its called a Home game. When they play a game in their opponent's stadium its called an away game. That's the only Home and Away that I know of. :D