Garbage post 1

I love garbage posts. It's one of those posts where you can just write absolute bullcrap. You don't have to aim to be right, or correct, or good. I don't have to make sense. And if I don't make sense, the ground isn't going to open up and swallow me.

I don't know what it is about me and misery that I find it so embarrassing to be sad and miserable. Or maybe it's just that someone like me who's shallow enough to be most of the time happy just never learnt how to deal with it. I find it shameful, and pitiful, and weak, and I don't want to admit to it but yes, I'm miserable as hell. I didn't want to write that, but I'm trying to at least be true to the one 'virtue' I can still call mine - truthfulness. I don't want to start pretending or lying now.

And even shopping my ass off and several pairs of new shoes hasn't helped this time. Here, lemme post a pic a friend took of me shopping for shoes. I do wear a lot of heels, and my friend suggested I start wearing those ridiculous block+high heel things if it's height I aim for. Of course, I never bought the shoes, but we had a good laugh trying them on. I call them Red Light shoes :-)
I know I look unfittingly happy in the picture. That's something I've never been able to understand. I pretty much of the time look darned cheerful & gay. Sickening. I think I'm just a big smiley. And that that's how I'm supposed to look. And that's not a beer belly, that's Mizoram belly. Heavy Mizo feasting will give you unsightly middle-aged-Indian-men-belly.

You know how people mope, become pale, lose weight, look haggard and all that when they are hurting, well that never happens to me. Big mystery. I think misery suits me, I certainly do spend more time applying make up (for whatever weird reason?!) and therefore, look better.

Anyway, I guess it's not a bad thing for the year to start badly, cos' then the chances of it going up are upped. Thank God for work, and thank God for friends, and thank God for whatever takes your mind off things that make you unhappy. (You can see I'm trying to be brave and strong, and optimistic - but I wish I was a bird and that I could fly away).

The hills are alive

An age-old tradition :-) - pictures! Every trip home should be followed by picture posts. I've put these and others up on Flickr, but I thought it wouldn't be complete if I don't have them here. And as usual, these should be clicked on and viewed large. These small ones never do it justice. Not to the photography, but to the beauty of the place. Home, sweet home - as usual. Where you can sing 'The hills are alive, with the sound of music' and believe you really hear music :-)

I took this picture after a night of sleepless tossing and turning. Seeing the first light come up from where I was miserably lying was like balm for my tired soul. It was freezing but I stood there for hours just watching the sun come up. You can see the moon in the picture, and a star, I think it's Venus, my little camera couldn't get it but it was still really bright.

After the dawn, this is what you get. Beautiful in a different way, but now a little less serene because people are starting to wake up, and you can hear the mild traffic in the distance, and the neighbors kids bawling, and the neighbors squabbling over who should make the morning tea **sigh** We always spoil everything. Life, and earth, and the world, by themselves are so beautiful...when we humans don't butt in.

And then the sun rides a little higher, and it's still lovely outside...

But I usually no longer get the chance to sit and appreciate it by this time. Everyone's up and prowling around the house, happy breakfasts, little fights, everyone including me's too busy rushing around to be 'happy.'

I wonder why we do this to ourselves? When I sit and think about it, everything's simple, life, living, love, happiness. But nothing's ever really easy or simple in practice.

But then, in the end, it's still beautiful to be alive.
A bee on a mustard flower. This was taken by my 11 year old nephew. So I've either got a really talented nephew or a darned good camera :D

Almost forgot. Friends. What are you supposed to feel when you no longer feel like you connect so well with your life-time close friends, people you've been friends with since kindergarten. Does it make me a bad person if I can no longer feel all the warmth & the closeness? I don't care if they read this, because I don't think it's anybody's fault. I love them, and I still love hanging out with them. But there are so many things we no longer understand about each other...

My brother's music video

This is my brother's music video, made for our local Mizo TV networks. A guitar lover got together with a tabla lover and they found a girl that loved to dance, and they found someone to tape them and this is what came out. Nothing impressive. I kind of like it though. If any of you ever read it, you may remember my 'Bulerias, Cejillas post' from last year. So I think that's why I like it, because I have some contribution to it, even if it's only a small piece of instrument :-)

Saying Thank You

My dad sent me a message today that said 'Thank you'. I had been telling my friend only a few hours before this text from dad that I was a wreck, but that that 'thank you' just completely fixed me. I'm not going to try and elaborate on this, things are kind of messy. But dad's 'thank you' today was the best and most meaningful 'thank you' I have ever received in my lifetime. I know nothing about parenting but if I were to try my hand at giving advices to parents, I'd have only one - to thank their kids more often. At the right time, a simple 'thank you' can solve everything and can be more effective than an hour long lecture.

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