Why I’d Hate To Die

How many times do you think of death and dying? “How, when, where, why….”

I wonder about death every day. I know it's a morbid topic to dwell on and I have been told that it’s unhealthy and sick. But if I do think about death and dying, it’s mostly because I love being alive so much, that there are so many things I would hate to leave if I have to die. And it’s not about having suicidal tendencies, or unhealthy obsessions. Death is the great unknown. It’s natural to be curious.

My life is so blessed and I’m so happy to be the person living this life, to be in this moment of time and space, to be alive and breathing. I’m lucky to be waking up every day on top of the world – both rhetorically and literally :-)

I’m not pretending to have the perfect life. There are still so many things that I’d change if I could. I have raged against my parents for ever bringing me into this world. I have prayed and cried and raged against God and accused Him of being unfair and denying me even my simplest dreams.

Still, I have always believed that human beings are more good than bad, that I’d find more good people than bad people, that it is easier to love than to hate, that it is easier to like other people and be liked than dislike or be disliked. That there are more good music than bad music. More good than bad in this world - in simple words.

I believed that if I can make an effort to be truthful, people will be truthful to me. If I can make an effort to be loyal and faithful and loving, I will be truthfully loved in return.Yet, I have been lied to and cheated on. I have been made to feel like I have nothing in me to love, to be proud of, I have felt like I was trampled on, dirty, a fool to be jeered at. I have hurt so much that I got out of my bed and slept on the floor – because I didn’t know what else to do.

But the beautiful thing is that you wake up the next day and if you allow it, it’s not going to hurt as bad, and wounds do heal, if we’ll let them. Dignity and pride can be regained. I don’t always wake up feeling like the fool I felt I was the night before. I love life for this choice I have. Whether to stay defeated, or to rise and walk away.

Despite all the mistakes I've made, life is still good to me. I got a promotion, when I was least expecting it. Hoorah for me! Only snag’s that it has to happen while I’m here in the Sydney office, if you can call it a snag. And a previously non-existent ‘project’ that I’ve been secretly dreaming about has suddenly appeared out of nowhere and offered to me – to be owned and done with as little ole me pleases. I thank God for all these - also the biggest bonus I’ve seen in my life :-) (Not at all about the money, but the fact that my work is being appreciated). Also meetings where I suddenly find my picture and my name being projected on a screen and everyone is applauding for me. It’s like a dream.

And I’m rambling. And I haven’t gotten to the more important parts. But I will save those for a new post. I’m also happy that it’s a Friday evening, that it’s been a fulfilling week, and the weekend’s got exciting plans for it that I’m excited like a kid!