26 November 2010

Behind the clouds

I didn't want to do a quick post but I guess I will have to anyway if I want to do any post at all :(

I feel like this blog is slowly turning into a cancer blog but there seems to be a lot of that in my world right now so here we go again...

Okay, first the good news that I was so excited about. Well it may not seem that great a deal to be honest but it means an awesome lot to me. I took my radioactive iodine therapy on the 16th of this month. Dreary isolation room for 32 hours and 5 days later, I had my final full body iodine scan on the 23rd, and the doctor finally declared me all good. Hooray!

I was really excited because it was so scary waiting for the result to come worrying about 'What ifs?' - What if the therapy doesn't work? What if they find that the cancerous cells had actually spread beyond the thyroid region, beyond the help of the radioactive iodine? Just the thought of entering the isolation chamber again dragged me down to depression hell, I dreaded it so much. That's why when the doc tells you all's good, your spirit leaps and stays on the air for quite a while because you can finally let go of so many of those 'what ifs' :)

And you know what this means - my thyroid ordeal is over. At least until the next check up scan 6 months later. And I am finally on my thyroid replacement meds which again may not sound like a whole lot but when you've been through days of extreme lethargy and general tiredness and you feel like a freaking zombie because your body is swollen like shit and nothing you do helps and it's a struggle to stay awake all day, it's the best thing in the world to know that finally, these medications are here and they are going to help you and you don't have to put up with that crap anymore :)

I still have some minor melanoma related tests and ultrasounds that I have to go through in the next few weeks, but whew! So much more easier to be dealing with one cancer than two. (Actually, make that dealing with two cancers instead of three..and that's another long story that will take up an entire post.)

Anyway, I'm very happy. It's like a huge chunk of weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I just want to announce to the world that I am rejoicing :D

And oh, I also feel compelled to mention that work sucks. More than it's ever sucked in 5 years. Of course, it's probably got to do with me being out of touch with everything what with me being out of office so much but still...

Anyway for this reason and the other two cancers that I'm still dealing with, it is very important to take what little reason one has to rejoice and blow it out of proportion and celebrate in grand style :) For example, we went out for a really nice dinner on account of my mom's surgical drain being removed yesterday haha

If you're reading this, you should go out wearing your best dress and shoes and celebrate something. Maybe the fact that you and your loved ones are healthy and alive should be a good enough reason to start with.

23 November 2010

So tell me what's a little rain?

I have good news! I have good news! I'm so happy today :-) But I'm saving it for later because I'm at work and I don't want to do a quick post about this one. I want to tell a story, a real, proper story. And I will try and do that tonight but till then, I want to share with everyone the one song that has helped me through the darkest 3 months of my life and made it possible for me to cry tears of happiness despite the many tears of pain.

I hope with all my heart that at least one person can read/listen to this song and see and feel the things this song has shown me. It is one of the best blessings I've received in a long time. It's called 'Bring the Rain' by Mercy Me.

Bring the Rain

I can count a million times
People asking me how I can praise You
With all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly change
Who I forever am in You?
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings you glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain.

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty


I realise the first few lines sound like it comes from someone with immense faith and strength - so not me! But I hope I'll redeem myself when I write about the details later on...

12 November 2010

If I Can Dream...

It's such a beautiful day. Can I dream for a while?

Only a few months ago, I had so many travel plans, some big, some small but all of which I had to put on hold because life kept throwing the darndest, most unexpected surprises at me. A few canceled trips later and still more for the future, here I am itching like mad now to get out and go somewhere. I can't even look at my suitcases without a twinge of longing.

I miss the smell of airports. And the feel of airports...Hell I think I can even merrily skip through an hour long security check right now. Or even just jump into a train and go wherever that train is bound for (I wouldn't mind Mongolia:)). To be among a crowd of strangers, not knowing who I could meet, who I might run into, what kind of experience awaits me...

I want to sit on a beach where no one knows me and where I know no one and just be lost in the moment and not have to think about surgeons and dermatologists and oncologists and radiologists and calcium levels and interferon. And to sit in the sun and not worry about what the sun's rays will do to my skin cells.

I want to go hiking, climb up a mountain and stand on top and look at the world from there and cry because I'm so happy to be a part of all of these. Behold all of God's wonderful creations and sing at the top of my voice because it's so beautiful.

I want to jump into the ocean once again without worrying about whether I will sink or float. But if I'm going scuba diving again, sink successfully this time :) Or go skydiving again but with the man I love this time.

I want to spend a night in the forest camping out under the stars with my dog and a few good friends and a guitar. I want to have a little house with yellow curtains with a cobbled pathway with cosmos blooming on the sides. I want to have a pretty little garden and grow my own vegetables and adopt a few more dogs.

There are so many things I want to do! Someday soon...

But right now I can't even go out of town because I have to get admitted back to the hospital on Monday for my radioactive iodine therapy. But thankfully, till then, I have plenty to do. Another cousin coming over for the weekend. Yay! Cousin Biteii will be here and it'll be fun to show her around the city. And having mom and the others back here. They're all getting here tonight so I have to rush home and cook a nice dinner for 6 instead of the usual steamed French beans and a glass of protein drink for 1 :-)

And one of my most favorite people in the world is getting married this weekend. I look forward to wearing my best sarees (...one of which is a brand new Rohit Bal ladies! Woot! - which I could indulge in only because of a canceled Europe trip by the way), do my hair and wear pretty jewelry - even though I feel freaking weird and bloated because of my no-iodine diet. Bloated in a designer saree but who cares!

09 November 2010

Drugs and dreams

I've been having the craziest dreams! Some scary, some just weirdass funny. Like this one I had last night. It started out as this normal enough dream I think. Or uneventful because I don't remember anything about how it started. Or it just started in the middle as dreams are wont to start. They like to start without beginnings, these sneaky dreams, and often just dissipate without proper endings. Or just end horribly. And once in a while delightfully, but that's rare.

Anyway in last night's dream, there I was walking alone in a dark street somewhere in Mizoram. Then suddenly two of my cousins came bearing down on me, asking me why I've gotten into drugs. And even though there were no drugs involved before they showed up, their question made me remember that I had bought drugs earlier on that night and immediately felt it in my jacket pocket. I threw it out while my cousins were not looking.

They threatened me in all sorts of ways that made me shake with fear and cry and shout telling them that I had never ever used drugs in my life. Never ever. And I didn't know why I had bought them that night. No one even seemed to hear anything I said.

It was a luminescent green liquid in a tiny plastic bottle by the way, the drug I'd bought. More like a fairy tale magic potion than anything else.

They kept asking me what it was that I had bought. I told them genuinely that I didn't know. Then all of a sudden these annoying cousins were gone and I was alone. I was putting my hands back in my jacket pocket and touched a piece of paper - the receipt from the drug dealer! Yes, this very nice drug dealer had written me a nice handwritten receipt :)

And I looked and guess what was written on it? There on the piece of paper was written very neatly and clearly the name of the drug I'd bought, which was...wait for it.....Whatchamacallit :-) And beautifully written too. I read it and I remember the word as well as I would have if I'd read it awake. And after 'Whatchamacallit,' the drug dealer had written within brackets - (otherwise known by it's chemical name '.....') and I can't remember that part. I just remember Whatchamacallit haha What part of my subconscious that came from I wonder!

It surely can't be the influence of books. All I've been reading in the past few days have been 'The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym of Nantucket' by Edgar Allan Poe, and 'whatchamacallit' is not something I think one will ever find in Mr. Poe's vocabulary.

The night before that, I was standing in a courtroom and it was me that was on trial. It was all very chaotic but it cleared up and quieted down all of a sudden. They had just announced the verdict, and I was guilty. And then someone asked the judge (who was a very, very big, stern looking black man by the way) what my punishment was going to be. He looked at me in disgust and in the most menacing and hatred-filled voice I've ever heard in dreams or in reality, spat out 'Death!'

I woke up with that word ringing in my ears and hated Mr. Foul-mood-judge because I don't get enough sleep as it is and he woke me up in the most impolite of ways and didn't even come back to apologise for it afterwards when I went back to sleep and slipped back into dreamworld :-)

(And don't try to see too much in my dreams and overanalyse them :-) You might say I'm condemning myself because of all my spiritual strife over my shortcomings, or you might say they're drug induced because a lot of people seem to think I'm still on heavy medication. Just calcium tablets people! Not strong enough to hallucinate on or kick start drug-induced stupors I would believe... :)

Dreams are fun to talk about the next day. The things your head conjures up when you set it free...isn't it just amazing? In fact I think I'm actually quite creative with my dreams even though I have nothing to do with them :P And who cares if the delightful endings are few and far between? Good movies don't always have to have happy endings. I've always liked movies that have me sobbing my heart out in the end.)

03 November 2010

And the waters still keep rising...

Deep is the river that I have to cross
Heavy the weight on my shoulder
I have discovered how great is the cost
Of trying alone to cross over
I try and I try but the current's too strong
It's pulling me under and my strength is gone
Don't leave me stranded

Rescue me, my God and my King
The waters are rising and I cannot breathe
Wrap your arms all around me
Carry me over, rescue me

There is a bridge that is easy to cross
Where all of our burdens are lifted
And peace is the land that is waiting for us
Lord give me faith to believe it
Cause I'm in a storm but I'm willing to fight
I'll overcome and I will not die
With You by my side

I will sail over the oceans
And high over the mountains
And soar up to the heavens
Here is my hand and my heart and my soul and my mind

Things seem to go from bad to worse. And in all honesty right now I'm pretty broken but whatever evil forces are lurking around gleefully watching waiting for me to give up in myself and God, if it looked like I was about to this morning, well, not anymore. I hope you hear me scream 'I am in a storm but I'm willing to fight, I'll overcome and I will not die - with God by my side.'

01 November 2010

Muthilh theih loh manah

Ka mut reng a chhuak thei lo tun zan chu. Khawvel a ka thil nin ber chu muhil si lova khum a mut hi. Chuvang chuan harh kur a khum a mut reng ai cancer ah bawk lut leh lawk teng!

Hetia cancer patient lo nih ve tak a thil pakhat ka notice - mi tinreng mai hian testimony ropui tak nei nghal thuai turah min ngai titih tlat mai hi :) Mahse cancer vei pawh ni ila, mihring ka la ni si a, thlemna lak a a ngai te a chak lo, duh leh it ngai te te, mi ngei ngai te te a ngei a, chak lohna ngai te te la nei vek ka ni si.Thil danglam awm chhun chu a hma a cancer vei lo misual kha tunah erawh chuan cancer vei misual ka lo ni ta a a ni deuh mai :-)

Min an treat dan ah erawh thung hi chuan Paula eng in a chhun thluk tawp ang mai hian an treat emaw chu ka ti deuh :) "Kha le Cancer!" an tia an rawn theh thruai a, eng a chhun thluk ang maiin min rawn vawm thlu a, tichuan vawi leh khat ah ropui tak a Lalpa tan a hna thawk nghal tur ang deuh ani in ka hria min beisei na chu. Midang cancer vei ho te pawh heti hian an lo beisei ve thin awm sia ka tia ka khawngaih ta rum rum mai.

Kei lah chu cancer leh thih hlauh vang ngawt a uchuak tak a Pathian han koh vel hi ka lai tlat mai anih chu! A dik kher lo ang mahse, ka cancer miah loh leh dam that var pawh a ka tih ngei loh tur chu thih hlauh vang mai a ti ka nih chuan Pathian pawhin A duh ka ring lo deuh tlat lehnghal nen...

Pathian ngaih thu bikah, kei hi chu misual, Lalpa lak ata hla tak tak vah bosan reng ching ka nih avang hian cancer hma daih tawh atangin nun khawro avangin zanah ka harh a ka Pathian hi ka ngai thin. Tunah ka cancer hnu ah pawh a dang chuang lo. Dawt sawi loh chuan cancer vang a ka ngaihzual em em tak ka hre lo. Misual Pathian hlat avang a Pathian ngai thin kha, tunah pawh misual cancer vei Pathian hlat avang a Pathian ngai thin ka ni leh mai.

Mahse cancer thu ah chuan he cancer hi purpose neiin Lalpa hian a rawn thlentir tih ka ring nghet thlap a. Chuvang chuan zawhna leh hriatthiam duh ka ngah lutuk. Khang a ka zanlai a Pathian ka hlatzia ka hriatchian thut a, Lalpa hma ah ka mangangin "Lalpa, ka hnaih theih na che anih dawn chuan ka nun ah pawh hreawmna emaw harsatna emaw pawh min pe mai rawh" ti a ka dil thin na kha a rawn chhanna a ni berin ka hria.

"Harsatna min rawn pe rawh" tiin ka dil apiang hian, ka sawi zawh rual rual hian ka hlauthawng leh ziah thin a, thil rapthlak lutuk hi A rawn thlentir mai ang tih hi ka hlau leh thin. "Lalpa harsatna min rawn pek chuan thil hreawm nasa lutuk chu theih hram chuan ni lo se, ka tawrh theih loh tur chu min pe suh" hi ka ti leh zung zung thin.

Cancer a rual a pahnih min rawn pe ta hi, khatia ka dil lai kha chuan hetiang a ni dawn tih hria ila hlau in ka khur ang. Mahse ka lo hre lawk lo hlauh a, Aman ka tawngtai chhang a min rawn pek si chuan ka tawrh theih tur A ti tihna ani mai a. Chuan ka tawrh theih na turin hlauh lohna te, ka fight na tur a ka mamawh tinreng A rawn chhawp ready nghal vek bawk a. Hemi thu ah hi chuan ka tawngtai chhan na famkim ani a, vuina pakhat mah ka nei rih lo. (Future chu ka sawi thei lo :))

Mahse chu sawi tawh angin, thlarau a khat tak vek emaw tih vel chu a hnai lo nasa. Mi re re hian Pathian in ka chung a thlentir nachhan te, Pathian in ti tur a min duh te, Pathian hnen a ka tawngtai dan tur, ka sawi tur leh dil tur te pawh an chiang em em vek a. Kei a cancer ber a hian a engmah hi chian ka nei si lo.

A chang chuan mihring bula ka rilru a questions te, ka hlauhthawn leh ka rinhlelh te sawi ka ning thin. Cancer vei miah lo leh la tuar ngai miah lo in cancer thu ah min han sermon khum hrep mai chuan an thusawi te hi eng ang pawhin dik se, a dik tih pawh hria ila, min hmangaih vang ani tih hriat pawhin, kei misual rilru ah chuan a tla na har leh tlat thin.

Vawiin zan ka muhil thei lo pawh khumah ka inngaihtuah a, Pathian ka ngai a, ka hlau bawk a, ka mamawh bawk a, ka ning bawk a, a kual nuaih nuaih a. Han titi thawven ka chak a, mahse zan rei tawh nen titi pui tur an awm loh bakah tunge titi pui ka duh ka hre lo a. Pastor fel deuh awm se, zawhna ka va han ngah tak ka tih rilruk laiin, Isuan "Engatinge midang I zawn I zawn? Kei titi pui tur ka awm reng a" a rawn ti a.

Ka rilru a ka vei zual te chu ka hrilh a ka thaw chu a veng deuh. Tawngtai chuan "Aw Lalpa.." kan ti dek dek a, sawi tur hi ka hre lo ka buai vek thin. Mahse vawiin zan chu ka tawngtai lova kan titi a ka sawi ve teuh mai ka tawngtaina a ka sawi ngai loh thlengin thlengin.

Mahsee ka Lalpa lah hi A tawng zawi thin si, A tawng tlem thin bawk si, thawm dang ri min tibuaitu a tam si ka duh ang hian A aw ka hrechiang thei thin lo. Hriatthiam theihna te hi school a lehkha kan zir ang khan lehkhabu min rawn pe se, note te min ziah sak a kan lo by heart a kan hrethiam ta mai thin ang kha nise, lehkha ka zir nasa viau ang te ka tia. "Lalpa enge ti tur a min duh?" tih hi ka zawhna lian ber ani. School ang te nise teacher te khan a answer ready in min han pe leh ang a, kan han by heart leh mai tur!

Mahse chupawh chu Isuan min hau leh deuh titih in ka hria, "Engkim hi hriatthiam nghal vek tum tut tut suh" a tiin ka hria. "Anih ka buai lo ang a, mahse nitin ka rawn zawt ziah ang che" ka ti a. Mahse chupawh chu kei michak lo lutuk hi ka inring zo leh lo a, "Ka rawn zawh theihnghilh che chuan min lo remind thin rawh" ka ti leh hram :)

Pathian lakah chhe te tal pawh chhuan tur ka va han nei lo tak! Chu question pakhat nitin zawt tur pawh a inrinna nei zo lo khawp a mi nghet lo ka ni. Ka inkhawngaih letling tawh :) Mahse hei pawh hi ka lawmna tizual tu a nih na a awm - heti khawp a chhuan tur nei miahh si lo hi malsawmna hian he ka nun hi A va han vur nasa si tak! A mak ee chhuan tur nei miah si lo heti zozai lawmthu sawi na tur thil min pe phal si hi...

Aaa a tam lutuk ka rilru a thil awm hi ka tlaivar hma in mu daih ang dar 4 a ri tawh. Tihian zan rei ah hi chuan engkim a reh a, a dam duai a. Mahse zing a lo ni ang a thlemna chitin rengin min rawn tibuai leh ang a, ka va han peih lo tak!